Finally, finally, finally we are able to tell everyone WHY we have put off the adoption. The family has known since right about the same time we did, but we're pregnant!
As of today I am 10 weeks along. Things couldn't be going better.
I will post more later, but I just wanted to finally get this out there, in the open. Yay!
Of course, I did post it to Facebook the other day, so the world kind of already knows I guess. :)
-Melissa
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Open Vs. Not
One of the biggest eyebrow raisers among our adoption choices is the choice to have an open adoption.
Initially we were not overly interested in this particular option oursleves. It certainly seemed less complicated to just have a baby magically appear out of thin air without strings, baggage, and biological ties. From what I've read most people initially feel this way. Perhaps that's in part because of our culture and the information we've received about adoption. More often than not when you think of birthmothers I think the negative images dominate. The loudly unhappy woman who starts a website opposing adoption in all forms. The Lifetime movie about the teenager forced to give up her child who lurks behind trees and stalks the unexpecting adoptive couple.
Could these things happen, absolutely. Would we want a bitter and angry person involved in our lives, of course not.
But the truth is this, that woman (and man, assuming the birth father is involved) are a part of our adopted child's life. They just are. I think any person with a biological connection to another person (hello, everyone) knows that blood is important. Like it or not, it matters. For reasons emotional and otherwise, that connection is an important one, and a valid one, and one that won't just "go away" because we choose not to acknowledge it.
Emotionally I am glad that when our child has questions about why he or she was given up for adoption, we'll know the answer. Because we'll know his/her birthmother we'll know what her situation was. Who she was, how old, and why she felt that adoption was the best choice for her child. And, hopefully, we'll have an ongoing relationship with her that allows us either in person, by phone, by letter or email to let her tell the child these things herself. There's no worry that she'll be built up into some amazing "BIRTHMOTHER" that is better than us, or preferable to us, because she'll be human, just like us, and our child will see that.
On a more practical level, we'll be able to have access to our child's medical background. And those change...so when our son or daughter's birthgrandparent develops heart disease, we can be told, and our child will have as complete a medical history as possible.
Will it be complicated? Yes. But, hell, life's complicated. And the second you think it's not, that you've got it figured out, that's when the lightning bolt comes out of the sky to remind you otherwise (hello, experience speaking...). And the fact is, adoption is complicated anyway. Birth parents, real parents, biological parents, first parents, adoptive parents, mom, dad....there's a lot happening there. There are a lot of emotions involved. Fear, love, excitement, anxiety, eagerness, dread. Everyone involved has layers of things to "deal" with.
I almost feel like having an "open" adoption is a little akin to just being "open" in general. Instead of keeping things quiet, or putting them away, they're out there. They exist. They ARE. That's a lot more in line with my personality than secrets and closeted skeletons. So why not just face these things. Will it always be an easy road, of course not...but since when was parenting easy anyway? Will I want to eat these optimistic and rosey-glassed words later, no doubt...but when have non-parents not said stupid things that just display their ametuer perspectives? :)
For those wanting more perspecitive, here are some websites I have found insitghtful:
The agency's information on open adoption: http://www.adoptionhelp.org/open_adoption/
This one talks more to birth mothers, but gives a good perspective and helps me understand her expectations: http://www.openadoption.org/bbetzen/parent.htm#parent
Of course a simple google search will provide plenty of other informational site, testimonials, and other resources.
-Melissa
Initially we were not overly interested in this particular option oursleves. It certainly seemed less complicated to just have a baby magically appear out of thin air without strings, baggage, and biological ties. From what I've read most people initially feel this way. Perhaps that's in part because of our culture and the information we've received about adoption. More often than not when you think of birthmothers I think the negative images dominate. The loudly unhappy woman who starts a website opposing adoption in all forms. The Lifetime movie about the teenager forced to give up her child who lurks behind trees and stalks the unexpecting adoptive couple.
Could these things happen, absolutely. Would we want a bitter and angry person involved in our lives, of course not.
But the truth is this, that woman (and man, assuming the birth father is involved) are a part of our adopted child's life. They just are. I think any person with a biological connection to another person (hello, everyone) knows that blood is important. Like it or not, it matters. For reasons emotional and otherwise, that connection is an important one, and a valid one, and one that won't just "go away" because we choose not to acknowledge it.
Emotionally I am glad that when our child has questions about why he or she was given up for adoption, we'll know the answer. Because we'll know his/her birthmother we'll know what her situation was. Who she was, how old, and why she felt that adoption was the best choice for her child. And, hopefully, we'll have an ongoing relationship with her that allows us either in person, by phone, by letter or email to let her tell the child these things herself. There's no worry that she'll be built up into some amazing "BIRTHMOTHER" that is better than us, or preferable to us, because she'll be human, just like us, and our child will see that.
On a more practical level, we'll be able to have access to our child's medical background. And those change...so when our son or daughter's birthgrandparent develops heart disease, we can be told, and our child will have as complete a medical history as possible.
Will it be complicated? Yes. But, hell, life's complicated. And the second you think it's not, that you've got it figured out, that's when the lightning bolt comes out of the sky to remind you otherwise (hello, experience speaking...). And the fact is, adoption is complicated anyway. Birth parents, real parents, biological parents, first parents, adoptive parents, mom, dad....there's a lot happening there. There are a lot of emotions involved. Fear, love, excitement, anxiety, eagerness, dread. Everyone involved has layers of things to "deal" with.
I almost feel like having an "open" adoption is a little akin to just being "open" in general. Instead of keeping things quiet, or putting them away, they're out there. They exist. They ARE. That's a lot more in line with my personality than secrets and closeted skeletons. So why not just face these things. Will it always be an easy road, of course not...but since when was parenting easy anyway? Will I want to eat these optimistic and rosey-glassed words later, no doubt...but when have non-parents not said stupid things that just display their ametuer perspectives? :)
For those wanting more perspecitive, here are some websites I have found insitghtful:
The agency's information on open adoption: http://www.adoptionhelp.org/open_adoption/
This one talks more to birth mothers, but gives a good perspective and helps me understand her expectations: http://www.openadoption.org/bbetzen/parent.htm#parent
Of course a simple google search will provide plenty of other informational site, testimonials, and other resources.
-Melissa
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
A non-update about the lack of updating...
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update here. I could give you some excuses...but who needs those?
The long and short of it is this...Joe and I are putting the adoption on hold for a while. Everything is OK, but things have gotten a little crazy around here lately. I'll elaborate more when they work themselves out some.
I will continue to update here regarding our adoption choices in order to elaborate on some of the aspects of it (like choosing an open adoption, or domestic, etc), but the updates will be less frequent (ha! since they were so speedy anyway?) and won't be "real-time" updates of our progess, since, obviously, there won't be any.
Thanks again for everyone's support. I'm sorry to put such an abrupt stop to things....and everything is OK, so don't worry or anything, and I'll update you on what's going on just as soon as I can.
-Melissa
The long and short of it is this...Joe and I are putting the adoption on hold for a while. Everything is OK, but things have gotten a little crazy around here lately. I'll elaborate more when they work themselves out some.
I will continue to update here regarding our adoption choices in order to elaborate on some of the aspects of it (like choosing an open adoption, or domestic, etc), but the updates will be less frequent (ha! since they were so speedy anyway?) and won't be "real-time" updates of our progess, since, obviously, there won't be any.
Thanks again for everyone's support. I'm sorry to put such an abrupt stop to things....and everything is OK, so don't worry or anything, and I'll update you on what's going on just as soon as I can.
-Melissa
Monday, April 20, 2009
Updaterific
We have made our first financial commitment to the agency we've chosen. We've paid the $250 dollar registration fee for their weekend intensive workshop, and an approximately $900 deposit toward our overall fees. Ultimately our agency fees will be $16,000. Beyond that we may have to pay some birth mother expenses, as well as finalization and attorney fees, and some other odds and ends.
The agency we're going with is the Independent Adoption Center. We really like them for a lot of reasons.
First, they are very inclusive. While we were searching we found that a lot of agencies were rather exclusive, helping only families of a certain religion for example. That's quite a turn off. This agency, though, is quite the opposite. They actively market their services to non-traditional families and singles. I like that.
They also do "open adoptions." This means that we will know our birth parents, and they'll know us. Even after the baby is born and the adoption is complete we will still have a relationship with our child's birth parents. This route is one that it took a while for us to learn about and to prefer. Initially we, like most prospective adoptive parents, wanted a closed adoption. It seems "safer" and less complicated. And in a situation that is bound to have many complications, that was attractive. As we researched this particular option more, though, we realized that "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't really apply in this case. Ultimately I believe that some level of openness is in the best interest of the child, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents. How "open" is open is something we'll determine with the birth parents once we've made a match. The agency encourages at least one post-placement visit though. Joe is on board with this too, which is a change from his original opinion. In fact, the other day he told me he hopes that our birth mother lives in the area so that we can know her during the pregnancy and not just talk to her on the phone.
I also like that they have an office right up the road in Raleigh. It's nice to know we'll be getting face time with this agency and that they are so accessible. Some of the other agencies we were looking at didn't even have offices on the east coast. Blech.
So anyway, we'll be spending our Friday and Saturday there. Friday we'll go over the contract, begin our home study process with some interviews, and begin writing our Dear Birth mother letter...which is really more like a brochure (HI, WE'RE GREAT PICK US! WE LOVE KIDS, EVEN STINKY ONES!... or something like that). Saturday we'll be in a couple classes that address parenting issues unique to adoptive families. (AKA, What to do when your teenager yells that you're "not her real mom".)
All in all it should be most informative and exciting. Even Joe agrees. Which is cute. And makes me feel less nuts...cause, if Joe's on board then it's not too bad of an idea.*
-Melissa
*Unless of course it's a REALLY bad idea. But those are obvious because they could result in a visit to the hospital or jail.
The agency we're going with is the Independent Adoption Center. We really like them for a lot of reasons.
First, they are very inclusive. While we were searching we found that a lot of agencies were rather exclusive, helping only families of a certain religion for example. That's quite a turn off. This agency, though, is quite the opposite. They actively market their services to non-traditional families and singles. I like that.
They also do "open adoptions." This means that we will know our birth parents, and they'll know us. Even after the baby is born and the adoption is complete we will still have a relationship with our child's birth parents. This route is one that it took a while for us to learn about and to prefer. Initially we, like most prospective adoptive parents, wanted a closed adoption. It seems "safer" and less complicated. And in a situation that is bound to have many complications, that was attractive. As we researched this particular option more, though, we realized that "out of sight, out of mind" doesn't really apply in this case. Ultimately I believe that some level of openness is in the best interest of the child, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents. How "open" is open is something we'll determine with the birth parents once we've made a match. The agency encourages at least one post-placement visit though. Joe is on board with this too, which is a change from his original opinion. In fact, the other day he told me he hopes that our birth mother lives in the area so that we can know her during the pregnancy and not just talk to her on the phone.
I also like that they have an office right up the road in Raleigh. It's nice to know we'll be getting face time with this agency and that they are so accessible. Some of the other agencies we were looking at didn't even have offices on the east coast. Blech.
So anyway, we'll be spending our Friday and Saturday there. Friday we'll go over the contract, begin our home study process with some interviews, and begin writing our Dear Birth mother letter...which is really more like a brochure (HI, WE'RE GREAT PICK US! WE LOVE KIDS, EVEN STINKY ONES!... or something like that). Saturday we'll be in a couple classes that address parenting issues unique to adoptive families. (AKA, What to do when your teenager yells that you're "not her real mom".)
All in all it should be most informative and exciting. Even Joe agrees. Which is cute. And makes me feel less nuts...cause, if Joe's on board then it's not too bad of an idea.*
-Melissa
*Unless of course it's a REALLY bad idea. But those are obvious because they could result in a visit to the hospital or jail.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
From the FAQ Files: Timeline
Now that things are more definite, as in, they are definitely happening, people have become more curious about the specifics. I loved the questions my mom, sister, and grandfather asked. I could tell how excited they were, and eager, and ready to be a part of this.
One question we get again and again is about time. I mentioned earlier that it could take a while, here’s how the months will break down.
From the time we begin our home study (which is the weekend of April 24th) we will spend 3 to 4 months working to get “in the book.” Home Studies take at least 8-12 weeks, and we’ll simultaneously be working on our “Dear Birthmother” letter. This is more of a brochure than just a letter. It includes pictures of us, information about who we are and what we like to do, how we live, etc. Once our home study (I’ll elaborate on that another time) is finished, and our letter is approved we are “in the book” or available to be picked by a birthmother.
What happens then is that when a woman matches what we’ve identified as what we want in a birthmother/baby (based on a variety of factors including the ethnicity of the baby, health of the mother, etc) our letter will be included in a packet of letters that get sent to her. Then she can choose us. We’ll talk, and maybe make a match. It could take up to 12 months or more for a match to be made. It could always take less. I am optimistic that Joe and I have a lot going for us. We’re young, we’re a heterosexual couple, we’re educated, we have families that are big and close with one another, etc. Please don’t take that as me saying the opposites of those are undesirable, different birth mothers want different things, but I think in general that we have a lot of things in our corner that will not “rule us out” if you will. I am a little worried that our religion might turn off some women. However, I’ve read that most women making adoption plans for their children are more concerned with a couple being religiously involved and less concerned with what religion it is exactly.
Now then, once the match is made we have to wait for the baby to be born. Most women working with IAC match at around 6 months. So the average wait time after match is 3 months. In most cases we would bring the baby home from the hospital upon discharge, and we might even be present at the birth, and the following days in the hospital. When the birth mother and baby are discharged she will sign paperwork then that terminates her parental rights. She does have time to change her mind after doing this. It varies depending on the state in which the baby was born.
Then 3 to 6 months later we’ll officially finalize the adoption, change the baby’s birth certificate, etc. And that’ll be the end. Well, the end of his or her adoption story anyway. After that he or she will be ours. We will have an open adoption, meaning we will stay in contact of some sort or another with the baby’s birth parents. (I’ll elaborate on that another time as well.)
Long story short, I am optimistically anticipating a year’s wait between the beginning of the process this month, and the time we are matched and/or bring home baby. I’m crossing my fingers that it takes less time, but I’ve promised myself not to get impatient until April of 2010. Of course, even that is sooner than the average wait time, but I figure that for it to be the average some people have to come in under and some over. I just want to be in the under…and I think we have some potential to do that.
-Melissa
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Briefly and with much excitement...
We can now afford our adoption. Our families are amazing and wonderful, and "supportive" doesn't begin to cover it.
We are more than blessed.
My heart is racing. I've called and emailed (and left breathless, goofy, nonsensical messages in both places) our contact at the IAC (the agency we're using, I should elaborate on them perhaps....another time...) and am crossing my fingers that there is still room at this month's weekend intensive program (the next official step.)
Wow. We're actually moving forward to a moment that's off in the future, down the road wherein we become parents.
Baby steps. Eager eager baby steps. But we're moving forward nonetheless.
Breathlessly,
Melissa
PS Did I mention we love our families? I don't think I did...this is more than we could've ever hoped for. We never imagined. Wow. Whew. I'm so grateful.
We are more than blessed.
My heart is racing. I've called and emailed (and left breathless, goofy, nonsensical messages in both places) our contact at the IAC (the agency we're using, I should elaborate on them perhaps....another time...) and am crossing my fingers that there is still room at this month's weekend intensive program (the next official step.)
Wow. We're actually moving forward to a moment that's off in the future, down the road wherein we become parents.
Baby steps. Eager eager baby steps. But we're moving forward nonetheless.
Breathlessly,
Melissa
PS Did I mention we love our families? I don't think I did...this is more than we could've ever hoped for. We never imagined. Wow. Whew. I'm so grateful.
Money Trail (like Oregon Trail, but less fun, and no dysentery)
So we've had some amazing loans made to us by family members. Instead of being completely unsure where the heck all this money is going to come from, it's starting to materialize. We are insanely touched and grateful.
We're almost halfway to the goal...which is funny since none of it is actually our money, and that's what I wanted to address.
So some people know (and now anyone reading this does) that adoption is super mad expensive. There are a variety of adoption options (haha "adoption option"...like Conjunction Junction except more about getting babies than combining sentence parts...) and of course they all come with different price tags. Briefly (because I know most about what we're doing of course, as opposed to the various and sundry things we are NOT doing) here are some; foster care/adoption from social services is free...in fact, depending on the situation you could actually come out monetarily ahead with this option. You certainly don't pay anything, and you get a monthly stipend for the child until he/she is 18, and if he/she is a "special needs" child (this could be as severe as you're thinking, or as mild as ADHD or needing glasses) then you get grants and such from the government. Foreign adoption runs in the $20,000-$50,000 range. Independent or relative adoption can be anywhere from $5,000-$50,000, and agency adoption is $15,000-$50,000. Those numbers are based on my research and shouldn't be depended on, but can give you a basic range. Of course we've decided to go with agency adoption, and our expenses shouldn't top $20,000. They may even be as low as $18,000. Yeah, I know...I just said 18k was low. Perspective sure is a funny and shifting thing ain't it?
As I've said, we're borrowing the majority of that. We could certainly save up and have the cash on hand in a decent amount of time, but in my opinion even 6 months is just more time than I want to spend waiting. Mostly I feel that way because the process, once we actually start it officially, which we haven't yet, but that we're hoping to start either this month or in July, and... wait..what was I saying? Oh yeah, the process will take 12-18 months to complete, at least. So, we'll pay a crazy amount of money, do a ton of paper work, and then wait. Then we'll get picked, and we'll wait, then we'll get a baby. So from right now, my optimistic hope is that we'll have a child in 2 years tops. And that's optimistic. Could it happen faster? Indeed it does, sometimes. But realistically you can't set yourself up for that because it doesn't always happen that way. Thus, I'd rather not wait any longer than I have to to get officially started. Hurray for Hurry Up and Wait.
So we're borrowing, and we'll pay it off while we wait, and then... Then! Then, once we have our new son or daughter, and we're basking in the glow of parenthood (or, you know, wallowing in the stench of puked up formula and dirty diapers), we'll tell Uncle Sam that we spent X amount of dollars on our adoption, and he will GIVE US BACK up to $12,000. Then we'll tell Uncle North Carolina Sam that we spent N amount of dollars on adoption, and he will GIVE US BACK up to $6,000. (If you adopt a special needs child you get those full amounts regardless of how much you actually spent.) So, worst case scenario, that's when we pay back the loans we're taking out now. While it may seem insane to go into debt over this, that pay back at the end makes it seem less stupid. To me anyway.
So that's that. Going into debt for anything is often imprudent...and the stupid cliches that are all over adoption websites and literature that say some crap about how bringing home a baby is priceless (anyone else see a credit card commercial in there?) are annoying mostly because regardless of what you'd give to bring home your own precious son or daughter...if you don't have it, you don't have it. Regardless, it feels like this short lived debt just won't be that big of a deal in the end.
Remind me I said that when I'm paying the bills next month. :)
-Melissa
*The financial info above is all based on the research I've done, and the things I've been told by an adoption lawyer who I'm not paying (bless her heart, she totally could have charged someone for that kind of advice) and from the agencies we've interviewed. Disclaimer: Don't base anything other than a Trivial Pursuit win on this information.
We're almost halfway to the goal...which is funny since none of it is actually our money, and that's what I wanted to address.
So some people know (and now anyone reading this does) that adoption is super mad expensive. There are a variety of adoption options (haha "adoption option"...like Conjunction Junction except more about getting babies than combining sentence parts...) and of course they all come with different price tags. Briefly (because I know most about what we're doing of course, as opposed to the various and sundry things we are NOT doing) here are some; foster care/adoption from social services is free...in fact, depending on the situation you could actually come out monetarily ahead with this option. You certainly don't pay anything, and you get a monthly stipend for the child until he/she is 18, and if he/she is a "special needs" child (this could be as severe as you're thinking, or as mild as ADHD or needing glasses) then you get grants and such from the government. Foreign adoption runs in the $20,000-$50,000 range. Independent or relative adoption can be anywhere from $5,000-$50,000, and agency adoption is $15,000-$50,000. Those numbers are based on my research and shouldn't be depended on, but can give you a basic range. Of course we've decided to go with agency adoption, and our expenses shouldn't top $20,000. They may even be as low as $18,000. Yeah, I know...I just said 18k was low. Perspective sure is a funny and shifting thing ain't it?
As I've said, we're borrowing the majority of that. We could certainly save up and have the cash on hand in a decent amount of time, but in my opinion even 6 months is just more time than I want to spend waiting. Mostly I feel that way because the process, once we actually start it officially, which we haven't yet, but that we're hoping to start either this month or in July, and... wait..what was I saying? Oh yeah, the process will take 12-18 months to complete, at least. So, we'll pay a crazy amount of money, do a ton of paper work, and then wait. Then we'll get picked, and we'll wait, then we'll get a baby. So from right now, my optimistic hope is that we'll have a child in 2 years tops. And that's optimistic. Could it happen faster? Indeed it does, sometimes. But realistically you can't set yourself up for that because it doesn't always happen that way. Thus, I'd rather not wait any longer than I have to to get officially started. Hurray for Hurry Up and Wait.
So we're borrowing, and we'll pay it off while we wait, and then... Then! Then, once we have our new son or daughter, and we're basking in the glow of parenthood (or, you know, wallowing in the stench of puked up formula and dirty diapers), we'll tell Uncle Sam that we spent X amount of dollars on our adoption, and he will GIVE US BACK up to $12,000. Then we'll tell Uncle North Carolina Sam that we spent N amount of dollars on adoption, and he will GIVE US BACK up to $6,000. (If you adopt a special needs child you get those full amounts regardless of how much you actually spent.) So, worst case scenario, that's when we pay back the loans we're taking out now. While it may seem insane to go into debt over this, that pay back at the end makes it seem less stupid. To me anyway.
So that's that. Going into debt for anything is often imprudent...and the stupid cliches that are all over adoption websites and literature that say some crap about how bringing home a baby is priceless (anyone else see a credit card commercial in there?) are annoying mostly because regardless of what you'd give to bring home your own precious son or daughter...if you don't have it, you don't have it. Regardless, it feels like this short lived debt just won't be that big of a deal in the end.
Remind me I said that when I'm paying the bills next month. :)
-Melissa
*The financial info above is all based on the research I've done, and the things I've been told by an adoption lawyer who I'm not paying (bless her heart, she totally could have charged someone for that kind of advice) and from the agencies we've interviewed. Disclaimer: Don't base anything other than a Trivial Pursuit win on this information.
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