Open Vs. Not

One of the biggest eyebrow raisers among our adoption choices is the choice to have an open adoption.

Initially we were not overly interested in this particular option oursleves. It certainly seemed less complicated to just have a baby magically appear out of thin air without strings, baggage, and biological ties. From what I've read most people initially feel this way. Perhaps that's in part because of our culture and the information we've received about adoption. More often than not when you think of birthmothers I think the negative images dominate. The loudly unhappy woman who starts a website opposing adoption in all forms. The Lifetime movie about the teenager forced to give up her child who lurks behind trees and stalks the unexpecting adoptive couple.

Could these things happen, absolutely. Would we want a bitter and angry person involved in our lives, of course not.

But the truth is this, that woman (and man, assuming the birth father is involved) are a part of our adopted child's life. They just are. I think any person with a biological connection to another person (hello, everyone) knows that blood is important. Like it or not, it matters. For reasons emotional and otherwise, that connection is an important one, and a valid one, and one that won't just "go away" because we choose not to acknowledge it.

Emotionally I am glad that when our child has questions about why he or she was given up for adoption, we'll know the answer. Because we'll know his/her birthmother we'll know what her situation was. Who she was, how old, and why she felt that adoption was the best choice for her child. And, hopefully, we'll have an ongoing relationship with her that allows us either in person, by phone, by letter or email to let her tell the child these things herself. There's no worry that she'll be built up into some amazing "BIRTHMOTHER" that is better than us, or preferable to us, because she'll be human, just like us, and our child will see that.
On a more practical level, we'll be able to have access to our child's medical background. And those change...so when our son or daughter's birthgrandparent develops heart disease, we can be told, and our child will have as complete a medical history as possible.

Will it be complicated? Yes. But, hell, life's complicated. And the second you think it's not, that you've got it figured out, that's when the lightning bolt comes out of the sky to remind you otherwise (hello, experience speaking...). And the fact is, adoption is complicated anyway. Birth parents, real parents, biological parents, first parents, adoptive parents, mom, dad....there's a lot happening there. There are a lot of emotions involved. Fear, love, excitement, anxiety, eagerness, dread. Everyone involved has layers of things to "deal" with.

I almost feel like having an "open" adoption is a little akin to just being "open" in general. Instead of keeping things quiet, or putting them away, they're out there. They exist. They ARE. That's a lot more in line with my personality than secrets and closeted skeletons. So why not just face these things. Will it always be an easy road, of course not...but since when was parenting easy anyway? Will I want to eat these optimistic and rosey-glassed words later, no doubt...but when have non-parents not said stupid things that just display their ametuer perspectives? :)

For those wanting more perspecitive, here are some websites I have found insitghtful:
The agency's information on open adoption: http://www.adoptionhelp.org/open_adoption/

This one talks more to birth mothers, but gives a good perspective and helps me understand her expectations: http://www.openadoption.org/bbetzen/parent.htm#parent

Of course a simple google search will provide plenty of other informational site, testimonials, and other resources.

-Melissa